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Does this essay convey the right message?

***Does it say, “We’re just kids and we’re waiting on the world to change”? I don’t want to convey that message. I would like it to say, “My classmates and I are active, growing individuals, and everyday by going to school we gain tools to help protect our world from safety threats.”

Thoughts? I really appreciate it!

Amidst the security threats to our society—Global warming, terrorism, financial insolvency, illegal immigration, drug wars—apathy seems the most alarming. Although these problems appear overwhelming and insurmountable, there is something that students can do. I believe that students address safety and security threats every day through the hopeful act of going to school. Through reading, writing, debating, discussing, and experimenting, we reject passivity and gain tools to protect our society from harm.

People say that knowledge is power, and it’s true. Yet watching the news does not constitute knowledge, which is why education is so vital in society’s struggle against safety and security threats. Students must not only attend school, but take the initiative in their education. Active learning begets discipline, which begets self-reliance.

I know that I have a long way still to travel on my educational journey. What kind of citizen would I be to passively accept politicians’ and newsmakers’ opinions about terrorism, or immigration, or global warming? Shouldn’t I be able to critically consider both positive and negative sides of issues? Many of my classmates and I are like damp sponges, active on many issues but not yet full of the substance that will allow us to make the greatest impact. Education will provide us the tools to confront the societal problems that underlie security threats to our world.

Education will help me to understand whether some security threats are even real. With greater knowledge, I may perceive terrorism as a risk more to peoples of other geographies than to Americans, and fight to protect them. I will understand how I can take action on issues like global warming. Whatever perils confront our world, education is the ultimate tool that will allow my fellow students and I to make choices and take action to improve not only our own, but other’s security.


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3 Responses to "Does this essay convey the right message?"

  1. Cameron says:
    Your essay does convey the message that education does in fact give us the tools to act in the future. You need more examples though all I see is you saying that it “will” allow you not showing how it already has improved things, or helped in decision making.
  2. B K says:
    We can bleat on about these problems, learn about them all we want, and take action until we are blue in the face. That doesn’t mean we will be able to fix them.

    Education is one thing, but society is another. Unfortunately it’s not you (as a student) who is doing these bad things. It is not you who needs the education, it is them!

    Just a little practical criticism, to perhaps lead you to improve it.

  3. Feral says:
    Your intended message comes through very clearly, in my opinion. It does ramble a bit, so it could be edited to make it more terse, but I would offer just two corrections, both in the final sentence: Use “me” rather than “I,” because the pronoun is the object of the verb “make;” and the apostrophe should be moved to follow the “s” because “others” is meant to be plural.

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